"While I'm on the subject of problems in America, a chemist friend of mine, Phil Beaker, sent me notice that science had recently discovered the heaviest element known in the universe. They discovered it in the grime & gunk left over in New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina. The new element has been named "Governmentium".
Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of inconsequential particles called peons.
Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalyzed with money, governmentium becomes administratium---an element which radiates just as much energy as the governmentium since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons. Ain't science wonderful?!! "
There aren't many topics my cousin and I can agree on, but on this one, we are harmonious.